photo credit: Jason Rosewell from Unsplash
written by Sandy Zhang, ALMFT
Bullying is a crucial topic to discuss with parents and their kids. However, the conversation often focuses on helping kids stand up to bullies. But what if your child is the “bully”?
There are two distinct ways to read this title, generally speaking.
My child is… a… bully… A statement parents quietly and hesitantly let out, and as a listener you can tell they are engulfed by shame and bewilderment. Or…
My child is… A BULLY!?
Such parents probably heard this statement first from a counselor or an educator, who might and might not really understand the definition of a “bully”. As for my own clinical experiences, I may describe a child as “maladjusted”, “physically/verbally aggressive”, or “having a difficult time forming social relationships”. But honestly, I’ve never seen a child whose parents care enough to take him/her to therapy who indeed fits the picture of a bully.
However, I have seen such children being “un-favored” by adults, picked-on by peers, labelled in their own social circle or treated unfairly (if not “bullied”) themselves. Their controlling behaviors only tell us one snapshot of their stories. But these children tend to bear the blame because their behaviors are most bothersome to adults.
It grieves me to see such children being brushed aside with a label. Please don’t get me wrong—I don’t mean to justify their behaviors at all, on the contrary, I was bullied myself when I was little and knew the pains, tears and anger of a victim (and the victim’s parents). But as I look back to those early days as a trained clinician, as an adult who learned to advocate for herself and others, I feel sincerely sorry for the way people reacted to a “bully” child. I wish I could be the adult they didn’t have.
Thus, I am eager to work with those “maladjusted” children—to let them know they are Not their problems, to find and offer the support they can make use of, and to give them an opportunity to rewrite their stories. I believe those who “act out” have a strong will to be seen, acknowledged and respected for their own right of being. Once such dignity is received on their end, that same strong will shall lead the children to mature and use their influence in a constructive way.
I don’t know if they are “bullies”. I know for sure they are a bunch of kids who fight for love and acceptance in ways that are disturbing to others. I hope they find what they are looking for, and show the world their inherent goodness and positive qualities. It can take some work on the part of parents, caregivers, and other important adults in the child’s life - and it’s absolutely worth it! All kids, regardless of label, deserve the effort it takes to work through obstacles to achieve lasting change. If you need help parenting and supporting a child who has engaging in “bullying” behaviors - please reach out to me today. I am more than happy to help you and your child on the journey of growth and change!