“You’re so mature for your age”
“Your parents are so lucky to have you helping them”
“I wish my daughter was more like you”
“You’re going to be such a great mom one day”
…these sentiments were said by almost every single adult in my life growing up. It felt good to hear praise. I knew my role.
But not everything I heard was compliments.
My friends didn’t always understand.
“You’re so shy and quiet”
“Why can’t you just tell your parents no?”
“Why do you always have to watch your siblings?”
“You’re almost 18, they can’t tell you what to do”
My parents praise sounded like this:
“What would we do without you?”
“What did we do to deserve such a great daughter like you?”
“You’ve always been such a good girl.”
My parents still say these things to me.
To some this may just sound like a bunch of questions and statements but to an eldest daughter, an eldest first gen Latina, to be more specific, this is only a glimpse into my childhood.
Did I enjoy hearing those words of praise from my parents and other adults? Absolutely. Did I feel straight up confused when kids would ask why cant I just say no to my parents? (Why couldn’t I say no? Should I say no?)
I also wondered to myself:
Wait. You mean not everyone obeys every single thing their parents ask of them, without question? How else are you supposed to show you love and respect them?
I had no idea the answers to these questions. I just felt so confused.
As I fight the lump in my throat… because you know… don’t be a chillona (cry baby). I can’t help but to feel so sad for (but also proud AF of) that 10, 12, 16, year old girl. She thrived on being obedient and as helpful as she could possibly be.
But she was scared, she was tired, and she was so SO confused.
She had no idea that she was a child, she always, always felt like an adult.
here is what I tell her now…
Now I tell her that she is allowed to make mistakes.
She is allowed to want something just for herself.
She is allowed to just be that silly and playful girl.
She is allowed to be a child.
She is allowed to be angry that it isn’t fair that the oldest boy doesn’t have the same expectations.
She is allowed to have a sick day, a mental health day, or throw a dramatic tantrum and throw a pity party for herself.
She is allowed to be human.
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED
The main thing I have learned from going into my fourth year as a clinician, working with more Latina women of my generation, and with the guidance of Evergreen’s trauma informed foundation is this:
I have learned that that little girl needed permission and encouragement…just to be herself.
But my family circumstances (which are common in many types of families) didn’t allow for me to be myself, or to be a child. My family needed an adult, but now? I have a choice.
If you resonate with the “eldest daughter syndrome”, maybe you get it. Maybe your family’s situation was different, but the expectations were the same.
Maybe one parent was always out of the home working. So you had to grow up too soon. Maybe it was a single parent household, or maybe there was economic hardship. Maybe it was no one’s “fault”, but you had no choice to be placed in this parentified role anyway.
Whatever the circumstances that caused this family pressure for your family, it caused this eldest daughter syndrome that inevitably left you to fill in the gaps where you could “step up” before you were mature enough and/or were expected to.
It wasn’t a choice. You were a child. It was an expectation that I’m so glad that many people (including myself) are starting to unblend from. The process of letting this role go has been scary for me, as I’m sure it is for many women like myself. Because who are we without being the eldest, most responsible daughter?
Who is left?
HEALING
I’ve been healing my “inner eldest daughter”. So if this sounds like you, I can tell you what I know so far.
You can still be proud of where you came from. You can still be respectful of your parents AND be your authentic self. You can be grateful for all that you have while also working towards finding out who you are WITHOUT the confinement of the eldest daughter role. But I will warn you. It will be uncomfortable. Some people in your circle may strongly disagree, or misunderstand you. But if you can survive being born into the eldest daughter role, I strongly believe you are brave and capable enough of doing this for yourself. You are more, you always have been more than an eldest daughter. Find out who has been there all along! It’s absolutely worth the journey.
Thanks for reading,
Elsie