By Taylor Lund
For as long as I can remember, I associated my worthiness with my achievements. I was constantly focused on proving my worth to others with what I did.
Growing up, my inner voice often sounded like this:
“If I just get a 100% on this project, I will feel satisfied being the perfect student.”
“If I can just do this one thing correctly, or show up for this person in this way, my family/friends will notice me as a good, worthy person.”
“I can’t say no to this person. I have to show up and go above and beyond their expectations.”
Evergreen Therapist, Taylor Lund, LPC, CCTP
Throughout my life, perfectionism has been a struggle for me. For so long, I associated my self-worth and success with attempting to obtain “perfection”. Perfect scores on tests, overdoing my social commitments by being involved in as many activities as humanly possible, being the most perfect person as I could, in every setting and circumstance I found myself in.
Perfection in Relationships
Perfectionism showed up for me in my relationships, too. I worked so hard to be the perfect friend, A+ student (I was the “such a pleasure to have in class” student), and of course, being the good girl: the perfect family member in my family. Mistakes in my academic achievements, or if I inevitably let a loved one down– these mistakes were unacceptable to me. In fact, it was terrifying. There it was: further proof that I was a failure.
Looking back, I can reflect that this perfectionistic part of me did help me be successful in at least one area of my life, which was academics. I knew how to be a good student; I could produce a good grade. But on the inside, I felt incredibly emotionally depleted. I felt so drained, exhausted, chasing perfectionism.
I was chasing worthiness.
It wasn’t until I started attending therapy that I recognized how much chasing perfectionism was causing so much suffering for me throughout many areas of my life. At the time, my therapist made the observation that I had been so intensely focusing on my achievements and performance, it became a convenient solution to avoid addressing how I was actually feeling.
ADDRESSING PERFECTION IN THERAPY
I wish I could say that as soon as my therapist dropped that lovely truth bomb on me all things started to improve in my life, with new clarity. But honestly, I didn’t experience any sort of insight or relief…rather, it caused me to feel incredibly anxious *yay!* and defensive towards my therapist.
At the time, this just sounded like a nice therapy idea. Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not. I really had very little awareness how much I had suppressed my more vulnerable emotions and how rigid my inner core beliefs and self-narrative had become.
I didn’t understand at the time that my obsession with perfection was really just me chasing my inner worthiness and self-acceptance. The idea of learning to cultivate self-compassion for my mistakes, for my humanity, was very unfamiliar to me.
Thankfully, I didn’t fire that therapist. I thought about it many times (trust me)… but I stayed in therapy. Change began slowly, but steadily.
The Pattern
I started to understand the pattern in myself, after detailing my perfectionistic pursuits to my therapist, feeling exhausted week after week. Focusing so intently on my achievements really was preventing me from addressing my deeper, more vulnerable core issues.
I have uncovered a lot of rigid perfectionistic beliefs in my growth journey that I want to share with you. Here are a few that I discovered:
PERFECTIONIST BELIEFS
Achievement leads to success. Lack of achievement = personal failure.
Showing others my emotions is a sign of weakness. Strength comes from emotional control and poise.
Mistakes prove some kind of innate flaw about me.
If I can do something perfectly, only then can I accept myself.
These are just a couple of examples of my inner beliefs that truly kept me running after my own proof of worthiness. Make no mistake: this is still ongoing work for me! Self acceptance and compassion are a daily journey for all of us!
Through my own personal therapy and journey of personal growth, I have gained two important realizations:
realizations:
In order to love myself, I need to acknowledge and accept my own humanity. Mistakes are necessary for growth. Mistakes I make are opportunities to encourage emotional connection with myself and others. “To err is human” is still a hard one for me!
In order to understand myself, I need to understand and allow space for my emotions.. I began to realize that perfectionism was a False Self. It really wasn’t “me”. Behind my idea of a perfect self, I was experiencing a lot of suppressed emotional turmoil. I began to realize that I need to look at my inner emotional life. The feelings I never really examined before, unless my body broke down in illness or other stressors and I was forced to address my choices.
Being able to recognize my own fragile humanity, with all the messy and chaotic feelings that come with it, has allowed me to deeply share that same gentle kindness with others.
While I have always considered myself to be a deeply loving and caring person, I have come to realize that my own inability to be compassionate towards myself truly inhibits how I am able to be fully present and compassionate with others. When I’m pursuing perfectionism, I’m not fully present. I’m not loving others authentically and deeply. I cannot give to others what I do not give freely to myself.
“When I came to this realization, I was like: “Dang, this is pretty ironic. How can me, a licensed therapist, struggle with being self-compassionate, self-nurturing, and loving? Shouldn’t a therapist be really good at this?” (pro tip: therapists are human, too.)”
At the Core
As I have become more aware of my own blindspots and struggles, I came to realize that a lack of self-compassion results from a deeper-core issue(s) that need to be addressed! In my introspection journey, I discovered there were aspects of my childhood that helped to perpetuate the idea of striving for perfection and avoiding my emotions.
Here’s my big takeaway for you: Allowing yourself to process emotional pain (on purpose!)– whether it stems from childhood, adulthood stressors, etc– is a giant step of courage. A kind of courage that can heal the shame I endured, fearing my unworthiness was showing in all my mistakes.
Now, instead of trying to be more “confident in myself” or constantly striving to be “better”, I strive to be more self compassionate.
From a self compassionate lens, we must acknowledge the parts of ourselves that make us feel inadequate, shamed, or vulnerable. The messy mistakes, the failures that made us feel so inadequate, so unworthy. We must name those rigid, harsh beliefs about ourselves that we so desperately try to keep below the surface. Not just for just the emotional experience, but to allow self compassion to rise to meet these painful emotions.
If you find yourself experiencing rigid perfectionism that is taking over your relationships, or you find yourself experiencing difficulty extending yourself some self-compassion, I would be honored to walk with you in this journey of self-discovery and healing. I know how it feels to process hurt from the past. I know how it feels to bring to light the ideas behind your rigid beliefs about your unworthiness; beliefs that I know often cause such shame and self-hatred.
But I can hold hope for you. It is really possible to let go of the unworthiness theme of the internal story you tell about yourself.
Thank you for taking the time to read a little of my story today. I hope it helps you be more gentle with yourself at this moment.
Sincerely,