This connection - so rewarding and often requires a lot of hard work! Image credit: Bruno Nascimento via Unsplash.
WRitten by sandy zhang, almft
Sometimes it feels like you have to learn a whole new set of rules to communicate with your child. Unfortunately, many things can be “lost in translation”, resulting in frustrated parents and upset children. Read this informative blog from a therapist (and a mother) for helpful tips on how to improve the lines of communication between yourself and your little ones.
Yes, communication can be THAT difficult. If you feel like you just cannot say one right word to your kid, you know what I’m talking about.
From a toddler’s “no, no, no” to a preschooler’s temper tantrum, from a second grader’s indifferent “who cares” to an adolescent slamming a door on you… communication often goes wrong, and parents feel upset, hurt, frustrated, guilty and lost.
“Did I say something wrong? What should l have said exactly?!” “Did she have a bad day at school? But why would she let it out on me?!”
“Should I have been firm, and demanded an answer? I feel he’s so entitled.”
“Was I harsh on her? But I was taught this way when I was little, and it worked for me…”
The list doesn’t end. And it’s never easy to find a “formula” answer since every child and every family is unique. From my experiences as a child therapist (and a mom), here are two tips I find helpful for common situations, and hopefully they’ll work for you, too!
Tip#1 - effective praise & encouragement builds connection
Acknowledge you child’s effort, despite the result. Praising an achievement can be cheerful at the moment, but if a child mainly receives praises for what he or she can accomplish, the child may focus merely on the result and lose a good perspective of the process.
A highly result-oriented child tends to be more frustrated when he or she cannot achieve positive outcomes. They can also become very anxious when they encounter normal obstacles. Which, in turn, can increase their overall anxiety with life. Growing up presents challenges regularly, so this will potentially set your child up for a very anxiety-provoking way off approaching life.
To make sure your child builds resilience in the face of challenge (growth opportunities) instead acknowledge your child’s effort—from learning to tie one’s shoes to piano practicing.
“I see you put so much effort to it. You haven’t given it up even after several attempts.”
It’s so comforting for children to know that somebody notices their struggle, but does not demand them to achieve the goal at the same time. And if you think about it—does it really matter whether your child learns to tie his shoes at age 4 or 8? Or is it more important that your child can trust you and turn to you when she struggles with life?
Tip# - empathic responding builds emotional intelligence
Acknowledge your child’s intention and emotions despite the “misbehavior”. It is easy to feel obligated to correct you child’s behavior whenever it seems inappropriate, and it is indeed very responsible of you to feel that way. Nevertheless, it is also significant to read the child’s intention and feelings through that behavior.
For example, as I talked to a kindergardener one day, another student who knew me well suddenly pushed a paper plane between my eye and my glasses. That was by no means an “appropriate” greeting. It could have also triggered annoyance on my part.
However, I was pretty sure he was happy to see me after a holiday break, and he just couldn’t wait to show me his new paper craft. At age 5, he was neither fully aware of personal boundaries, nor had he mastered the skill of verbal expressions.
So here comes my response -
"I know you are happy to see me! You are SUPER excited to show me your plane, right? You know putting the plane here might hurt my eye though? Could you tap on my arm next time you feel you just CANNOT wait?”
Acknowledging the intention and the feelings, and giving a quick substitute solution—that was all it took for me to receive a nod and a smile from that little guy. He knew I understood him, and also (likely) took note of a better way to greet me in the future.
My final thoughts on the extraordinary role of parents in the lives of their children
If “focusing on the effort rather than the result” is a work of the mind, “reading the feelings and intentions” can be a harder task for the heart.
Indeed, you need to be well attuned to your child to quickly pick up a hint and see his or her heart through the behaviors. And being attuned to your child requires intentional parenting habits and the consistent application of strategies. I encourage you to be as consistent as you can, even when you’re lacking energy or motivation. Your relationship with your child will improve and scientific study of human relationships supports these “tips” as highly effective.
I hope these tips and examples have helped spark enthusiasm and possibly confidence in your ability to connect through communication with your child.
I can never emphasize enough the importance of a well developed parent-child relationship. This seems to be the most challenging yet rewarding task human beings ever have to take (Show of hands? I’m raising it along with you!)
And things can be double/triple complicated by developmental traits, life transitions and other acute stressors. Please feel free to reach out if you can use my help; I’m more than happy to assist you (and learn with you) on this incredible journey called parenting.