I grew up in a church that was labeled “non-denominational”.
However, as I reflected on our practices and customs my church seemed to adhere to beliefs and cultural practices along the lines of Evangelicalism and Pentecostalism. Now, I won’t get into the theology behind these denominations because it doesn’t seem as relevant to what I am speaking to now. However, what I do find significant about my church is that I remember growing up in the church and feeling that I was not allowed to question anything that happened within our church.
I was not allowed to question anything that happened within our church.
In one way or another, it was communicated to me from a very young age that questioning authority figures was somehow sinning against God. I could probably write for days about the many things that were communicated to me as sinful and how those messages created a sense of guilt and shame in my adolescent brain; but I won’t because it seems more important to focus on my journey of faith deconstruction. Had it not been for those experiences and the weight of that guilt and shame, I would not have encountered God the way I did after my faith deconstruction period.
The term “faith deconstruction”
This term has been tossed around various conversational circles that I have been a part of.
For a while, I did not even realize that I had gone through a period of faith deconstruction around my late teen years up to my early twenties. The term sounds odd. When I think about the word “deconstruction” it does not seem to be a positive sounding experience. Perhaps as you’re reading this you’re thinking: What does being in a period of faith deconstruction mean? Is it totally rejecting my faith or my religious values? When I journeyed through my own experience of faith deconstruction, I had to answer those questions for myself too. But let’s define some terms first.
In a blog post from The Sophia Society website, one of their authors gave a great definition of what faith deconstruction is. They define faith deconstruction as:
““...taking apart an idea, practice, tradition, belief, or system into smaller components in order to examine their foundation, truthfulness, usefulness, and impact.” ”
This definition describes so well what it means to me to deconstruct my faith.
If you are in deconstruction, you might feel angry, confused, rebellious, betrayed, rejected, and alone.
I am sure there are so many other emotional words that can describe a person in deconstruction, but some of these words were absolutely descriptive of my personal experience.
As I grew up in church, the people in my community were like my second family. My church community saw me grow from a toddler to a young woman. However, instead of accepting and encouraging my spiritual development, they did the opposite. As I reflect on this period of my life, I wonder how much of the reactions I received from my church community was due to our Hispanic culture and that I identify as a woman. There is this saying in Spanish that I remember being told often: “Calladita te vez mas bonita.” In translation this means, “when you stay quiet, you look prettier.” I can guess that other Hispanic women have heard this at least once throughout their lives. It seems to me that the saying truly is a way to discourage women from using their voices. And I wanted to start using my voice.
In my times of internal turmoil, when I started voicing my questions, my fears, it seemed that my church community’s reaction told me one thing: there was no longer room for me in that space.
So I decided to take a break from church.
Taking a break was not easy, I had never not been in church. There definitely were times that I thought, “I’m never going back to church”. I completely disconnected from all faith/religious practices because I had felt rejected by the church and in-turn: rejected by God. I remember thinking to myself, what is the point of all of this? It didn’t feel good to always have a sense of guilt for every small thing that I did, guiltily wondering what was sinful or not to the church. Because anything outside total obedience, following the rules, being the good, silent, submissive Christian girl brought a huge sense of guilt for me. I remember asking God, what do you want from me? I felt as if I couldn't live up to His expectations. I was angry. Why did God want so much from me? It wasn’t fair.
And then I realized: I didn’t want anything to do with Him anymore. It was too heavy a burden for me to carry.
Feeling rejected by God and the church led me to purposefully do things that were against what I was taught. For the first time in my life, obeying the rules had very little appeal to me. I wanted to rebel. More than that--I wanted to be seen rebelling. I wanted to make sure everyone knew that I was resisting the teachings that I didn’t agree with. However, this choice didn’t come without community division. Most people in my church community stopped talking to me--they shut me out. It was incredibly lonely.
But I realized I wasn’t alone. By this point, most of the friends I had grown up with in church had also already left the church too. Most of my friends also felt that they were being asked to blindly obey rules and teachings that they didn't agree with. They too wanted to be rebellious and see what else was out there.
Maybe we didn’t have to feel guilty for being young adults trying to find our spiritual identity.
So collectively, we each set out to find who we were. Some of us returned to church. Others didn’t…
…but even that choice shows the importance of faith deconstruction, because you get to take apart your beliefs and choose what seems right and true for you.
It shouldn’t matter what others think about that. I count myself lucky. Even though I returned to church and some of my friends didn’t, we still have close relationships because we went through a vulnerable journey together.
Presently, I like to describe myself as a spiritual person not a religious person.
I like to make that distinction because in the past my home church could have been described as very religious. To me, being religious means blind faith, blind obedience. Rule following. But for me, being a spiritual person means having a personal connection with God that allows me to be the best version of myself and love others how He does
Moving through this deconstruction process helped me no longer feel guilty about that anger, because it helped me find the God that I needed when I was growing up in the church. I’ve started using that anger to speak up in my church setting. I’ve also used my anger in prayer-- as a forceful plea to God to guide people through the same painful, lonely deconstruction process that I’ve been in.
I won’t say that there haven’t been times in which I feel the anger so deeply again that it makes me feel helpless, because certainly I have. But it is less lonely now. I’ve found a spiritual mentor in my church that helps me through that anger and taught me how to use anger for the good of others. Conflict isn’t absent in this relationship either. My mentor and I have had disagreements about Christianity and church culture and I have even felt rejected because of my past experiences. But the wonderful thing about her is that she assures me that just because I still have questions and I still get angry does not mean she rejects me. Instead, we’re on a journey together to find God’s purpose for us.
Ultimately, if you find yourself in a period of faith or religious deconstruction, I want to leave you with a few words of encouragement.
First, I would encourage you to find people that will be supportive of you as you find what is true to you. That can be a friend, a mentor, and/or a therapist. Perhaps you fear (or are experiencing!) that everyone in your church or part of your religious circle will reject you for asking questions. But I want to assure you that there are safe people to process this experience with. You can find people that are good representations of who God is and how the Spirit would respond to you in your deconstruction period.
Secondly, I would also encourage you to feel your feelings. Let them out! The anger, betrayal, rejection--feel them deeply and work through them through supportive people you’ve selected to be safe for you. Feeling those emotions are part of the healing process that will propel you further along in the journey of faith deconstruction. Whether that progress will mean you start the process of reconstruction, or you become spiritual in an entirely new way: allowing these emotions space in your life will help you become the person that perhaps you’ve been waiting to be.
Lastly, if my story has resonated with you, and you’re in the state of Illinois, I’m currently open and taking new clients. I really enjoy exploring this topic with my clients, so don’t hesitate to reach out!
Warmly,
Noelani