Photo credit: Thiago Cerqueira
written by sandy zhang, almft
Connecting with your child can often be mostly about correction or guidance. Helpful, but not really “fun” for both parties. Raising children is so important, and it’s easy to focus on teaching them the fundamentals of life while forgetting the importance of playing. Read this blog by a mother and a therapist to open your eyes to a whole new world of enjoyment as a parent.
“Mom, I thought this was a $25 dollar gift card. But it is actually better than a gift card.” Said my nine-year-old, who already has a good understanding of the power of cash.
“Mommy, this is the best gift ever!!” said my seven-year-old, his eyes sparkling.
You must be wondering what this gift is. It is actually quite simple-- two cards that guarantee “special play time” for my children. The card for my younger son says “1 hour of Wrestle”, which has been his favorite game with me. (Yup, I am a 5-foot mom who wrestles.) My older son doesn’t have one favorite game, so his card says “1 hour of special play time” and he can choose for himself.
I am amazed by how much joy that parent-child play time can still bring to them at this age. They are already capable of entertaining themselves with books and games for hours on end.
This begs the question -
“What is the magic of play time, after all?”
Undivided attention may be the most potent parental magic. As a working mom, I constantly juggle different responsibilities and squeeze in time with my kids whenever possible. (Yes, a mom has to do what a mom has to do!!) At the same time, my husband and I have been intentional in scheduling a time for the kiddos to receive our attention without distraction. It might be only 20 minutes after dinner on a busy day, but it’s still very important for them to have for their growth and development.
As a therapist and a mother, I believe children are reasonably entitled to have that time. During play time, we stay away from distractions such as phones, dirty dishes and unfinished homework (if it’s not due that day). The children’s experience can be summarized as “the world belongs to somebody else, but mom/dad belongs to me”. I am worthy of my parent’s attention. I am worthy of his/her time and effort. Nothing can take away mom/dad’s affection during those 20 minutes. There is always a safe corner for me in mom/dad’s heart, no matter what happens in the big wide world.
Also, I have a very important role during this play time - play buddy - which enriches our relationship as a whole. I mostly follow the child’s lead during play time, though I have to admit the on-going temptation to “teach” them how to play. How to shape the play dough, how to make a better move in chess, or to correct a spelling mistake in the pretend menu. However, children seem to enjoy more when I follow their lead and simply let them be.
And if you think about it—after six and a half hours of work in school, afterschool program, math sheets, reading and frequency words practice, don’t the kiddos deserve to have fun and goof around for 20 minutes? Even as an adult, I feel free from the “mom” role and enjoy my kids more when I become a “customer” in their restaurant (especially when they gave me a $100 gift card for free)!
To the children, this is when mom or dad becomes the play buddy who pretends in their story, follows their game’s rule (except when they cheat too obviously), comforts their disappointment and laughs for their joy. With this big play buddy, it is perfectly okay to be a kid and be myself.
I believe those are two major reasons why my children still love family play time. As a mom, I see clearly how important it is for them. As a therapist, I completely understand how our attachment is nurtured, and how much my boys will benefit over their lifetime due to my intentional way of connecting with them.
Of course, my boys were not satisfied with using the cards only once and made sure to remind me, “this card is good ONCE EVERY WEEK”. (And it never expires, my dear kiddos).