by Alison Goshgarian, MA, LPC
Our society is organized to hide death and to shield us from our mortality.
It sets us up to struggle with the concept of grief and death which is inevitable in our lives and the lives of those we love.
I lost my dad last year, as well as a handful of other people throughout my life, and have found that there is a large gap in our ability to process our own and other people’s grief. The grief alone is a heavy burden, add on top of it others inability to hold or be around my grief. I often felt isolated and angry. I’m young and found myself in a club I never asked to be in, and a lonely one at that.
“When I looked for support I absolutely found it in some of my friends, but many people in my life had no clue how to navigate something this intense. ”
When I looked for support I absolutely found it in some of my friends, but many people in my life had no clue how to navigate something this intense. I had noticed it before with previous losses, but this one seemed to really throw people. I noticed just how uncomfortable others were around me. Dynamics with friends and loved ones often either felt completely void of connection or just plain weird. Sadly people are not taught how to engage with grief and I’d like to change that.
In my previous blog I discussed processing one’s own grief, here I’d like to utilize this space to offer some guidance to those who don’t know how to interact with grief. Don’t let your guilt or past mistakes keep you from reading, we all have made mistakes in our lives surrounding how we treat loss for others. What’s listed here may encourage you to repair with someone you harmed accidentally in the past, this gives room for connection with you and your loved one.
The Do’s
Prepare and bring food. Many grieving people forget to eat or can’t prepare nutrient rich foods for themselves. Because of what they have been through their body will be going through a lot. Offering them sustenance to get through such an emotional experience is a very kind way of engaging with someone’s grief. People tend to bring food the first few weeks. A tip, bring food for someone again over time, even a month or two months after. It can be really hard when the meals stop coming in, but the person’s appetite is still low.
Offer emotional support. This can just be texting the person a, “how are things going?” it allows the grieving person to respond in whatever way feels comfortable to them. Give your grieving loved one space to process their feelings, and ask follow up questions that let them know it is safe to talk to you about how they are really feeling. How you offer emotional support will depend on the context of relationship and the personality of you and the grieving individual.
Invite them to do things. Offer invitations to get out of the house and take a walk, or watch a movie together. Offering options of soothing activities can help the grieving person not feel so alone and can offer you both a chance to connect with each other. It creates a sense of some normalcy for the grieving person, even if they do not attend. Be open to their last minute changes or inability to show up, grief doesn’t come with a schedule.
Show up in the ways that reflect your personality and strengths. If you are someone who is an artist, paint them something or offer to paint with them. Maybe you’re a financial adviser, offer you’re assistance to navigate the person’s finances after the loss. It doesn’t always have to be doom and gloom it can be fun or practical, just respect feelings as they present themselves and offer an, “I’m here, this sucks.” It goes a long way.
Loosen up. Don’t approach the grieving person in your life all clammed up and weird. It makes things uncomfortable. Show up as yourself and understand the person across from you has changed but they are still just a person. Laugh with them. For God’s sake tell a joke. Leave space for the grieving person to joke about their loss and laugh with them. Allow them to be human.
The Don’ts
Ghost. It is common for people to ghost grieving people. This is quite possibly one of the most impactful ones. People start to disappear during the process of grieving. Suddenly many months later you hear from them as if nothing has happened, or you never hear from them again. It’s frustrating for the grieving person and feels like another loss and abandonment. If you’re someone who has done this, reach out to the person take responsibility and apologize. It would offer a lot of healing for your grieving loved one and yourself.
Don’t expect them to be the same, or be in a supportive role for you. Their world just imploded, they are not in a position to show up for you or other people. If you have any connection to loss (loss of a job, relationship, etc.) you know that those losses changed the way you enter into the world and your perspective of it. Imagine what that must be like for a person who is facing the loss of a person, that is going to change them. Accept them as they are, while protecting yourself in that process. That looks like setting boundaries so you can authentically show up for yourself and in turn be present for the person in your life who is facing loss.
Don’t compare your grief experience as being the same as theirs. This is invalidating, not only of your loved one but you too. There is a way to respectfully and empathetically do this such as, “Loss can be so invasive, I lost ___ in my life and it was so hard, I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” As opposed to, “When I lost ___ that’s exactly what happened to me. I know exactly how you feel.” The first example allows for two individual experiences to be recognized while offering room for connectedness between the two individuals. The second is said with good intention, but it is invalidating to all involved. If you want to play it safe don’t bring up your loved one with the person who just lost someone, instead process that with another person in your life. Other people’s grief tends to bring up our own, make sure you leave space for yourself to feel that. For your grieving loved one, just listen.
Don’t judge how they’re coping. If you see a grieving person laughing, having fun, over working, over socializing, isolating, etc. don’t make comments about it. Don’t judge the way they are navigating their grief experience. Instead come along side them. Laugh with them, text them telling them you love them, or just treat them like you normally would. If you notice the person is harming themselves (over use of substances or lashing out without remorse to name a few) begin to approach them with compassion. Offer openness and kindness before judgements, and be honest about how you are being impacted by their behavior. The biggest thing here is to be kind.
Don’t make inappropriate or flippant comments. This sounds obvious, but sometimes when people are nervous we say very things that come from a grief place. Don’t make comments pressuring religion or acceptance onto the person, example: “They’re in heaven now”or “At least they are no longer in pain” these comments are invalidating to the person's current experience. Other inappropriate commentary includes: “You look sick” “Aren’t you over that yet?” “Weren’t you not that close?” And many many more. Your comments are not needed. In fact, silence is a wonderful companion to you as you enter into grief with others. You don’t actually need to say anything unless it is supportive or said with a lot of kindness.
There is so much more I could add to both of these lists.
This is truly the basics, and much of this is dependent on the context of the relationship. I found this article from the Times after writing this list, and I really appreciated the way the author approached the topic of supporting those grieving in your life. Give it a read when you have the time, especially if you are a grieving person I think you may find it relatable.
I know for me, these are some of the things that were the most helpful and annoying during my grief process. It felt difficult to be the person to address with loved ones that they weren’t holding my grief the way I needed, it’s another thing to have to deal with on top of something that is already so hard. If you see mistakes you have made above, apologize. It has done wonders for me when people have taken responsibility for their missteps throughout my grief process. It offered me more feelings of trust and connection with those who were willing to connect with me in that way.
Take the risk of entering in with your grieving loved one and trust yourself to apologize for mistakes along the way. You may find a deeper, more rich relationship waiting for you.
Sincerely,
Alison