by Sarah Daley, MA
I love my home.
I love my backyard where my dog can play and the flowers my dad plants every year; I love my childhood bedroom and maybe I love the fact that it has always been the bigger room compared to my brother’s (sorry, Jacob). I love my parents and I have loved moving back in with them when I finished school.
But I didn’t always love growing up in a Christian home as a bisexual woman.
It’s funny, because I’m writing this to you all knowing that I only officially came out about 3 years ago. This being out thing is pretty new for me still.
I wasn’t someone who knew early on about my sexual orientation in childhood.
But when I look back, I can notice a change in myself at the beginning of high school. My mom used to say to me “you have such weird friendships with certain girls, it’s like you put them on a pedestal. I don’t get it.”. Turns out that’s actually called having a crush on a woman and my mom didn’t get it because, well, she isn’t attracted to women.
My education in my early years was also Christian influenced. My brother and I received a private, Lutheran-based education until 8th grade. After that, he decided to continue to a Christian high school while I opted to go to the public school in my district. That was an adjustment, let me tell you. It is an overwhelming culture change to switch from private to public school, but I also found it refreshing to not have to bring everything back to religion in the classroom.
Prior to high school, I considered myself and my family to be moderately religious. We went to church often and prayed before meals, bed, and athletic events. Every class my brother and I took was centered around religion. My mom went to Bible study. Any problem we experienced could be resolved by praying for help and guidance. I was constantly exposed to strict Christian values that did not leave a lot of room to consider being any other way than what was spelled out by those values.
I never even considered living outside of these values.
Now, I want to make something clear. It wasn’t like it was unsafe for me to consider alternate sexuality values at home. In contrast to some queer kid’s homes, my parents have actually been supportive, albeit more loudly now, of the LGBTQIA+ community ever since I can remember. For that, I’m deeply grateful.
But, it was tough all the same. For most of my formative years I was reminded quite frequently of “bad examples'' from “non believers''. These were beliefs I was surrounded by about the people that those who identified with the LGBTQIA+ community:
LGBTQIA+ people were,
Making an active choice to “live in sin”
Definitely going to hell
Wrong, simply for existing
And louder for the people in the back, WILL BE GOING TO HELL
So how does a queer kid growing up in a home like mine reconcile their identity with what they have been taught as the truth for so long?
The biggest switch for me was changing my environment.
Choosing to go to a non religious school both high school and college was a game changer for me. Having more freedom to ask myself deeper questions about myself starting in high school was hugely important. Then exercising my independence provided by my college experiences prompted me to do more self-exploration without as much fear of judgment. In my relationships too–I started being pickier with who I chose to have in my life. I found a career where I can work with others who have been through and are still experiencing similar things that I have.
Since then, how has my faith evolved? As an ongoing outcome for me, I have decided for myself that traditional churches were not for me. But I still practice my faith in my own way by loving, respecting, and helping others. These values are even enhanced and more important than before for me.
But I’ll be real with you.
“I struggled (and still struggle) with feelings of shame and embarrassment simply for being who I am. ”
I struggled (and still struggle) with feelings of shame and embarrassment simply for being who I am. And while I know this isn’t my fault, and it is the fault of these harmful beliefs of the Christian community I grew up in, it doesn't take away the process of healing that needs to continue to happen for me. This stuff is ongoing for me. I’m still figuring this out.
Here’s what I’m learning now.
The things we try to run from have a funny way of catching up to us even if we try to hide from it in our safe, familiar closets. I continue to do a lot of my own personal work deconstructing what I’ve learned growing up. I am continuing this work by rebuilding my self-worth and confidence in my own therapy treatment.
I know the road to healing will be long, as I compassionately go at my own pace.
Contrary to popular opinion, therapists aren’t special! We are a work in progress just as anyone else is. And just like anyone else, you deserve to be who you are and exist in safety, find your own values, and do what fills you with happiness.
Thank you for following me on this journey and I hope you find peace in yours. If my story resonates with you, my favorite type of therapy work is working with clients who need a therapist who understands the pain of being closeted in their sexuality, and are working to be fully themselves. Give our office a call or shoot us a text at our office line, and request me!
Thanks for reading,
Sarah
